Yesterday was a day I looked at my “What if”, and the conclusion wasn’t pretty.
I returned home from nearly 3 weeks overseas only to discover a Golf buddy had committed suicide while I was gone.
I’m not posting here looking for condolences as I can’t say I knew him that well. The truth is as a man I don’t know many other man that well, we men just don’t seem to do that.
Last year at this time I had been through my 5th surgery in 3 years, I was in despair, deep despair. I did a really good job of hiding it, no-one knew as all I did was retreat further inside myself. My Golf buddy was me last year, he is my “What If”. If it hadn’t been for some luck, twist of fate or divine intervention I might have taken that path of depression – when nothing else seems viable and the future is blank.
There is no joy in me that I was lucky enough to find something that saved me, there is only sadness in what my friend did.
His name was Grant, and today I realize how lonely he was at the end. I know this because I remember how lonely I was, how I felt no-one cared or worse yet no-one understood what I was going through.
I wondered what if I had talked to him, maybe that would have helped.
But perhaps the answer isn’t that I didn’t talk to him, it was simply I didn’t listen.
I remember at low points in my life there have always been many people there to offer guidance, ideas and help. But there weren’t many who just sat with me and listened and tried to understand not fix.
That’s all I needed last year, to be heard, to be enough.
I wish I had listened to Grant.
