In my life tears have always come before smiles.
Maybe I need to cleanse myself of my actions of ineptitude before I can rejoice, even if just for a moment.
When push becomes verbal shoving I am left disconsolate at my inability to hear and only want to be heard. I discover I am cruelest to those that care for me most. Isolating myself from those who love me?
In my life I have callously used the words “I love you” as if it was chattel – hoping to collect in the future for what I have said now. Rather than simply giving the words and the act as a gift.
Worse yet after disagreements that I have created I use “I love you” as recompense – hoping it cleanses me of my sins and failures.
Eventually “I love you” is not enough and forgiveness cannot happen before others words need to be exchanged. It is usually delivered as “My” truth before “The” truth is discovered. And regardless of how much I want to believe I am not at fault, the very reason I am here at this point of frustration is never caused by another, it is only caused by me.
In finding my frailties I am slowly discovering what “Love” is.
It is still being her Hero even when I am wrong. It is still that look in her eye when she sees me as more than as I see myself. And most of all it is her forgiveness.
Perhaps I can pay back this devotion with the intimacy she craves from me.
I have discovered that intimacy is not the act of a kiss, it is everything that happens before the kiss, the words the actions the presence.
She is the reason I strive to be better – keep moving keep growing keep loving
