I spent much of my life avoiding mirrors. Those that I looked into, I only did so briefly, maybe to check my hair, see what I was wearing, or how I presented. But I never saw me.
I have spent the better part of 6 decades seeing the reflection of the person I believed others saw when they looked at me. I have no idea if it was what they saw, but regardless I was filled with fear that they were repulsed. And in that I found ways to look back with a cruel and judgmental stare. It felt like a game of image tennis, as I could walk down a road and see people look my way and create stories of what MUST be going through their minds about me, and in turn I would serve back critical ignorance.
Even if someone smiled I wondered why, felt there must be a reason beyond goodness or attraction as I found ways to move away from connection and hide in fear and inanity.
As I have awakened and started seeing those around me change, the hard judgmental faces I used to see are being replaced with kindness and empathy, and even in my own reflection I see more of who I am.
The lines around my eyes, or wrinkles near my mouth are no longer signs to me that I am breaking down or less than I should be, they are part of my history each drawn through an event I didn’t just survive but conquered. I see my life now not in my face, because I can see beyond the skin. I have spent more time looking into my own eyes and searching for what’s behind the stare.
Mark Twain once wrote “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why.”
Maybe that’s it, that as I see beyond just how I think I should appear to be and instead at the man I am and becoming, I am discovering why.
Namaste my Friends
I hope you have found your why too