My deepest pain is fueled by loneliness, the deeper it gets the more alone I feel. At times it swallows me whole and holds me tight in such a dark place that I cannot see beyond my fears.
I have been residing there the last 2 weeks, full of grief for reasons I can’t even describe, nor do I want to try. Most of the time I just sit there, alone wondering. I have answers but the problem is I don’t have questions.
Words don’t seem to flow, just a disbelief of where I sit and yet within that disbelief I have no motivation to move, so I just sit and ponder the despair I find myself in.
I put on a good facade, I am amusing and witty, but my chatter is idle and holds no context, all I do is fill space.
I am not looking for sympathy as I know the only way out is the way I found in and that was by myself.
My journey has taught me one indisputable truth – and that is happiness comes from within. I’m just struggling right now to find that inside me.
I know so deeply that true spiritual freedom doesn’t happen until I am willing to let go of everything around me, yet I remain enthralled with material success, sparkly bobbles of excess. I keep thinking acquiring more will lighten the voices inside me and allow me to see sunshine, but it doesn’t.
I crave pain as it is the only emotion right now that seems to move me. Joy feels empty while pain feels purposeful, in that pain maybe I can start to shed tears and start to see some humanity in me, I can at those times see some relevance to what I do, what I feel and what I am.
I know I need to cry to find my way out, I need to cry so deep that I soak my soul. It is at these moments where I do feel the anguish that I know I am alive, anguish is better than the apathy I have encompassing me – at least now I can start to see the bottom. Perhaps there again at the bottom I will find that first step back up. It seems that only at my bottom do my eyes look up and see light.
In the play Les Misreables, Victor Hugo wrote “Those who do not weep, do not see.”
I need to cry so I can see again.