Why is it that a step backwards in my journey feels more like I have toppled off the edge of the mountain right before the summit?
Backward steps in my life rarely are measured movements but more vicious descents into the cauldron of my ego. There is no good there, no redeeming values, no reason to be there other than the punishment of the feeling it provides when I realize what an ass I have been.
I lashed out in words yesterday at someone because I simply did not agree with them, it was like online road rage. It took hours for me to see beyond my own anger and worse yet, to see myself in that moment.
Happiness and joy are fleeting, I think for me they are hard to hold onto because they are so precious. Yet rage sits with me for eternities and beyond, or at least it feels that way. The only solace in this is I know I have lived in this rage before and it never ends well, so now I reflect. I started today by apologizing to the person I attacked, but the reality is I need to say sorry to the person I want to be as well.
I understand clearly the idea that I am my own worst enemy at times. The path I believe to my true happiness will come when I can make myself my own best friend. This is something I struggle with, daily.
Friends I talked to today offered wise words and unconditional love. Even 2 men that I share male insult banter with on a regular basis, used soft words and offered care and guidance. And then my friend Michael Savage shared a story from a friend of his. A man who fell in love with his wife to be after 4 days and married her on the spot, 17 years later they have 4 children and are very happy. The key as Michael found out, he LOVED HIMSELF, 100%. And he met a woman with amazing energy who loved herself 100%. So these 2 people loved themselves and had no need to fill up with others. So they brought 100% of themselves to each other and their family and community. Together they gave to each other instead of filling up with each other and that is why it works. Maybe when I get to giving myself unconditional love and can fill up on my own love then I will have no need for anger and reprisal.
As I sit here today, maybe the key right now is not to be looking up at the summit and wishing I was there or looking down and worrying what will happen when I fall.
Today I am just going to sit, right where I am and try and enjoy the view.
Namaste my friends
