I have died a million times inside my mind, yet I am still alive.
I wish I could blame this on Cancer and the fear I lived through, thinking it would kill me. The truth is though, I have spent my entire life living in a fear that I created myself. Living in moments out of my control and allowing them to steal my time.
It wasn’t just the fear of death, but fear of self-worth, fear of losing, fear of fear itself that always felt like was headed to certain doom.
One of my worst fears has been what others say about me, how I am perceived and how I am seen. It is as if there was a conspiracy against me orchestrated to belittle what I do or what I stand for. It has been a death of a thousand cuts. It used to be for me that being inconsequential, was as painful as being dead.
As I grow older I now see the correlation with my own actions and intent. I am finding times when I walk in a room and I am filled with love and contentment, a palatable sense of confidence surrounds me and attracts compassion and most of all acceptance. It is not the confidence or arrogance but the confidence and surety I get when I am centered and present to all those around me. In this I also discovered that my wish to be heard and seen is accomplished when I stop and listen and see others. It would seem life favours reciprocity, the act of getting happens by design when giving.
My fear of dying has lessened in the past years many things are contributing to this. The main one a belief that comes from Dr. Wayne Dyer that I am not a “Human Being searching for a Spiritual experience, but instead I am a Spiritual Being searching for the best Human experience”.
I know that life will not be measured by the number of beats my heart makes, or the amount of oxygen I ingest. My yardstick does not have an end now, it does not stop at some predetermined point of scientific comparison. It goes for as long as I chose it to.
Namaste my friends