Those who know me well, know too well the wrath of my tongue or the speed of my wit.
For years I have hid behind words; words are a weapon in my arsenal and I can dispense them with ruthless accuracy. However it is after those times, where I attempted to cripple the intended target I have been left with regret that cannot be forgotten, I am often the one who lays prone to my own words. Remorse I think is the heaviest burden to carry.
I used to believe arrogantly that my quick wit was some sort of gift of intelligence, it is not. In these past few years of reflection I have discovered that the best of me comes when I don’t react, but when I stop and ponder the real value of the words I will use.
Even though I have been a journalist most of my life, I don’t think I really knew how to communicate until recently, when I realized that every word I use can have vast consequences. This is not to say that my words alone are that powerful, but if a pebble can make a wave, then an innuendo can create a villain. I wonder how many villains I have made.
For some reason the disease that fell onto me has also lifted me, it has given me pause to think. Pause to reason before I react.
My life is a conundrum now, because I realize my real truth is laid bare on the pages I write, not in the conversations I have. I have not yet developed the skill to edit my thoughts when I talk, that would take patience my tongue doesn’t yet have. I have discovered when I write, edit then rewrite I am able to craft what is real. It is not spin, I know this because at times when I have opened myself in print I feel it deeper than anything else in my life, I have stopped at times and cried because before me on a page lies my truth.
In his book ‘The Prophet’ Kahlil Gibran says “You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.” I read this years ago, pretended I knew what it meant, but I really didn’t until now. And maybe that’s the point I am making for myself, it is only at those times when I write, where I let truth flow, through a process of careful consideration that I find peace. A peace that only comes from when I don’t have to say sorry for what I said in anger or even in jest.
I close with two quotes from Nietzsche “It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”
“Without music, life would be a mistake.”
Namaste my friends