In the last few years I have sat through the paradox of my life, looking behind corners for the hidden meaning. My constant search for what it’s all about – what am I all about? What’s my mission? What’s my purpose? Overwhelmed daily that I may be missing a piece of the puzzle that makes enough sense to say I am walking in the right direction, moving towards something – instead often I end the day perplexed and empty.
Then suddenly tonight closing off another day, with the same empty feeling I have felt before, clarity struck me, a moment of internal justice for the pain I have been swimming through. That the meaning, the mission and the plan for my life is “The Here and Now”.
I cannot climb to the top of the mountain to be the ultimate me, if I am not living life right now as that me. It is not the process to be the best I can, it is much simpler and much easier than I imagined. It is “The Declaration” that I am that person now that I crave to become.
Perfection is impossible, yet if I live in integrity of now – then it’s impossible to miss the perfection all around me. Perfection for me cannot be the straight line, the connecting dots or the best laid plans. Perfection is simply the way the day is lived, the way the people around me are loved and the way I have treated myself at the end of it all.
At the start of my Cancer when I could see my end days, my greatest concern was my legacy and what I would leave behind so that people remembered me for what I did. And while that had been a great motivation to change my relationships and my goals, it has felt like the impossible dream, always a step or two out of me reach and only obtainable after my final day. Tonight I recognize that this process is setting me up with a constant hunger that cannot be fulfilled. And while that is a great motivator I crave to be satiated, not constantly but at times. I have a desire to feel fulfilled while I’m alive, not just fulfilled in what I leave behind.
I have been told gratitude daily is one of the most important ingredients in life, but I have struggled for that. I could not or would not label simple mercies I have felt as gratitude, I tried to put labels on it like epitaphs on a tomb stone. How can I feel gratitude later, when my hands are cold and my heart has stopped?
Gratitude is meant to be felt with a beating a heart, a heart that rages to burst from my chest. Tonight I shall sleep with the new constant companion that I am doing it now, that I am living my legacy and not just setting it up as a movie or a future attraction that I hope others will enjoy.
Tonight, I sleep enjoying it myself.
Namaste my friends